You are in the middle of an acrimonious split.
You have found true love, moved to the next county, gone long term sick off work AND you know for a fact the children would prefer to live with you because you don’t yell at them all day long. It’s a scientific fact that you are a whizz at baking . Furthermore you are an internationally renowned artiste whose tops hits include “This little piggy went to market” as well as the less well known “Bob the Builder sung to the tune of Crazy Frog”. You are in fact Wonderdad (*trumpet solo*) and obviously your Ex needs to agree to sharing care of the children…
Does your lawyer say a) “O yes Mr Wonderdad that is an extremely agreeable idea what could possibly go wrong.” Or b) “Hmmmm. That could be expensive to insist upon.” We would suggest that if your lawyer says a) then they may not be very experienced or have your best interests at heart.
Of course, every family is different. But here are some things you may want to think about:-
- You’re thinking “The courts are biased against Dad’s”. Bobbins . The reason women often get a greater slice of the time available to be with the kids is because of gendered roles inside the marriage/ partnership. Taken as a whole it is not unusual for women to have given up work at least in part to look after children. Therefore women often have an argument that as they always did the donkey work of looking after the kids, they should continue to do so and be financially supported.
- If you want to share care of the children you need to live near to them and near to their school. That way you can do pick ups, sick days, sharing assembly, cake stall on Thursday and so on.
- Think like a person whose time is not their own. Important presentation on Monday morning? Have a back up plan in case Tiny Tim recycles his dinner down the duvet all night long.
- Become as one with the activities. Scouts, football, ballet, pottery, Thai boxing, whatever. If you start screwing up the stuff the kids do then it stresses them out and the other parent starts copping flak which will case arguments.
- Your new love. She is oh so perfect isn’t she? Yes she is. Perfect for you, not everybody else. So go easy on the introductions of new partners. We suggest 4- 6 months before introductions are made.
In reality no shared care can be good for children if the parents doing it cannot keep a civil tongue in their heads to each other. A decent working relationship is a must for this arrangement to feel OK for your kids. We think the nitty gritty of family life is best arranged through mediation.
