Two great song titles in one blog post…(The one an eighties cheesefest that was number one in the charts for ages and the other a Led Zeppelin track. A connection so tenuous it should be part of a pub quiz… ) the Shaduppa Your Face mentality is the ultimate in Communication Breakdown – and a very easy trap to fall into.
If you have split from your partner it is so easy in all the hurt and bitterness to lose the ability to ask for things politely, be rational or sensible. We avoid discussions about important things and then when finally we have to ask for something, it tends to feel like this….
- You’re wrong. I’m right
- You’re not listening to me so I am not going to listen to you
- You are needy and it is making me feel guilty
Sounds familiar? If you are in a bad place with your ex then here’s a few ideas to get things moving on the communication front…
- Texts and emails – Newsflash! What you are thinking when you write it , is not how the other person hears it when they read it. Do not think that your real meaning is being conveyed. Stop trying to have email arguments as they will get you nowhere and cause the other person to get wound up.
- Sleep on it before pressing send.
- Sometimes you may be dealing with someone with a personality disorder. It’s more common than you think and you’ll need extra resources see here
- If telephone means arguments then avoid it. Just don’t pick up that call, and make sure you have caller ID switched on.
- Have set phrases to stop negative conversations memorised: ” I am sorry, I need to think about my response to that before I comment further” or “I am not feeling able to respond to that thoughtfully at the moment, I’ll come back to you”.
- Don’t start a ding dong on the doorstep. Your children need their self esteem to be protected. If half your DNA was shouting at the other half, how would you feel?
- Decide to do the black marker trick. Print the shouty email then black pen through all the irrelevant bits. You will be left with a request or factual statement which is much easier to deal with.
- Agree to regular face to face chats with rules in place. Define what you are going to talk about and then only talk about that. If you need a professional to have those conversations, then go to mediation. A mediator can act as a referee.
Employing a solicitor to have a string of correspondence with your other half can be a costly and ultimately fruitless exercise.There are lots of other ways of resolving disputes without court or reams of paper.
