If we had a quid for every time we were assured by a parent that “I never say anything bad about my Ex in front of my child” then we would be able to retire in style.
Most parents know that after their split, being mean about the other parent is frowned on, but do people really understand why? Or how to really be positive about their ex?
It’s bad for kids to hear one half of their genetic code being dissed by the other half. At the most fundamental level, it’s not nice to hear someone you like ( or you are pretty sure you like) being talked about behind their back. Are you supposed to stick up for them? Do you challenge the person making the remarks? That’s a tough call for grown ups,never mind a six year old.
Being snide about the co-parent also asks a child to choose. Not directly, but nonetheless it is an implied choice: Agree with these things I am saying and choose me; or go against me and choose the other – that is manipulation and not a fair choice.
But some parents say, “But I really never ever say anything rotten, I really don’t”. Ok- but remember most of our communication is done non- verbally. Children are masters at picking up non verbal cues. They are also highly inquisitive about what “their ” grown up’s state of mind is ( imagine you are a very small buffer country between two agressive world powers. At all times you would want to know how close the fingers are to the nuclear button, maybe you could stop them invading each other?…)
So, picture the scene: little Johnny come home, you grab his back pack at once. You pull out the dirty clothes a bit huffily. *purse lips flare nostrils*. THE SCHOOL JUMPER IS DIRTY. Again. You say nothing. You roll your eyes and immediately get it in the washing machine. You didn’t say a word – but your body told Johnny everything he needs to know. You are cross. The other parent blew it again. Johnny will feel uncomfortable, insecure but without knowing why (so it’s no good asking him).
How about instead you say “Hi” with a smile. Try and put that smile in your voice. If you can’t manage eye contact with the other parent that’s fine, but stay relaxed. Control your breathing, relax your stance, let the child settle in. Potter amiably about instead of “sorting” stuff.
It is a big ask of anyone , who has recently been through a breakup, to be so Zen about the annoying habits of their Ex. But don’t do it for yourself, do it for your child. They will thank you one day…
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