Question

There’s an existing court order for contact that was made when my son was a baby; he’s now on the cusp of his teens, but my ex has moved into an HMO-type shared house with a bunk bed setup to share with our son (link to Shelter’s page on HMOs). Would the court see this as a suitable arrangement given the existing order?

Answer

This is a case where your son has, in effect, outgrown the arrangement as it currently stands. Given the accommodation your ex has moved into, and the fact that your son is entering his pre-teen years, it is reasonable to take a nuanced view of what is genuinely good for him at this stage.

At this point, the priority is not building up the relationship between your son and his father, since that relationship already exists. The consideration now is what your son needs as he moves into these more challenging pre-teen years, when so much is about to change.

Children from separated families can start slightly behind children from two-parent households in terms of life chances, simply because there is less backup, less harmony in the home, and less pulling in the same direction. These are small things, but they matter, and they make single parenting harder. This is a generalisation, of course, and there are plenty of separated parents who manage this brilliantly. But at this stage in a child’s life, with all the competition for his attention already coming from elsewhere, what he does not need is an environment that makes him less likely to engage with school, whether that is through being modelled a gaming and student lifestyle, or through disrupted sleep affecting his ability to concentrate.

These are valid points to raise, but they need to be presented carefully. The aim is not to criticise your ex directly. It is entirely fair to say that his current living situation is his own business, and not for you to judge, while still being clear that it is not the right environment for your son specifically. What your son needs, at this age, is a home environment where gaming is treated as a fun pastime rather than a way of life.

Between birth and around age 10, small inconsistencies in parenting can usually be absorbed. But from around 11 onwards, these fine margins genuinely start to shape outcomes for children, so this is the point at which arrangements need to be right. If your son’s father is not modelling seriousness about school, about work, or about adult life more generally, that matters more now than it did a few years ago.

These are arguments worth raising, and worth raising on your son’s behalf. Child-inclusive mediation may be a useful next step to work through this.

It is also worth noting that this is a welfare consideration, not one of domestic abuse, and should be presented to the court on that basis. Want to have a conversation with us? You can for £180 and it takes as long as it takes.